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Crash

I was about a minute into the trailer before I realized that this isn't a movie about aliens coming to earth. Not sure what that says, really. The slides about Us All Coming Together against starry looking black backgrounds lend a spacey feel, but those slides are nothing more than subterfuge, trying to lure unsuspecting sci-fi fans into an introspective movie about humans in Los Angeles.

Anyway, I saw Crash about ten years ago when it starred James Spader and Patricia Arquette in a story about people who like to have sex at the scenes of automobile accidents directed by David Cronenberg.

I kid you not.

Anyway, this is not that movie. It's not even a remake of that movie, which is an enormous relief to me. I think we all dodged a bullet there.

So, this thing looks pretty good, despite the weird cast. Seriously, a movie starring Sandra Bullock, Ryan Phillipe and rapper Ludacris seems to deserve its best picture nom? Who are we kidding here?

My guess is that Don Cheadle, who plays a guy in a suit, pulls the whole thing together, because he's a very talented guy who probably ought to have won last year's best actor award for "Hotel Rwanda," which is on sale at Target, in case you're interested.

OK, the plot. Well... Sandra Bullock is having a panic attack that makes her talk a lot. Nice dye job, though, and she still looks good in a tank top. Got to give her trainer props. Matt Dillon is.... a cop? Maybe? Nice Suit Don Cheadle's brother carjacks Sandra Bullock, so she gets a big hug from husband Brendan Frasier, who seems pretty much bewildered by the whole thing.

And there's a little girl. Does every movie have a cute little girl now? Did I miss an edict?

Don's mom is in the hospital, and she wants him to go out and find the errant brother. He stands around thinking about it, and about how very surface-oriented Los Angeles is. I guess he's new in town.

There's a car on fire, and a lot of hugging.

I'm not sure what this movie is about, but I'm thinking it might win. Not that I've seen it; I'm just guessing.

Bottom line: This one might actually be worth ten bucks.

Munich: It's Not Just a City in Germany Anymore!

It's not that I care that much, but as the only movie trailer reviewer that I personally know of, I feel a certain responsibility to review most of the Oscar nominated movies for 2005. Not that I saw most of them; remember people, I didn't. Even most potential award winners aren't worth ten bucks to me when I can probably catch them on HBO for free one of these days. I'm kind of cheap that way, plus, I can't exactly go to the local multiplex in my bathrobe. (OK, I could. I have some pretty spiffy bathrobes, but that's beside the point. I'd at least have to wear shoes.)

Now that we've got that out of the way, remember when Steven Spielberg didn't take himself so damned seriously? Me neither. I have no clue what this movie is about. It's all very intense, which should be obvious from the black card that reads "A Steven Spielberg Film" near the beginning.

Despite the title, and the ghostly presence of Jim "The Agony of Defeat" McKay, this movie is actually about a hired killer. I'm pretty sure you won't be leaving the movie house convinced that you should put on a track suit and go for the gold--Chariots of Fire this ain't. Unless they award a gold medal for blowing shit up real good, which they don't. So never mind that.

There's an old woman, who may or may not be Golda Meir, and she talks a young-ish, vaguely hunky in a 1970s way family man into hunting down and killing the alleged perps. Her eyebrows look like giant black caterpillers, and the guy can't say no. Can't say that I blame him, the eyebrows scared me, too.

So, he kills. And then he says it's "strange to think of yourself as an assassin." Well, yeah. I'd think that the proper time to consider that little detail is before you get into that line of work. How'd he get the job, anyway?

Assassin Guy kills a lot of people, and then Israel, now represented by a deep male voice, wants him to kill even more people. There's a bit with a little French girl, who may or may not meet her end in little bitty pieces. It's very poigniant and all, and the music swells so you know just exactly how poigniant.

My guess, honestly, is that the voting members of The Academy stopped paying attention after that black card, figured it would be a serious film, and nominated it on the idea alone. Also, they may have thought, as I did, that Ed Harris is part of the cast. Apparently he's not. The pale-eyed dude in this movie has hair. My bad. Sorry, Ed.

Bottom line: this one looks like a major downer. I don't mean that it looks depressing, I mean that it looks like it would give me a headache trying to figure out what's going on, and then trying to rationalize the concept of fanatic, murderous Israeli nationalism. I'll be skipping this.

Ask your doctor about surgery, but wait until normal business hours

As I now have a commute to work, I spend more time in the car than I used to, and I have to listen to a station that runs traffic reports. Yeah, just like everybody else in town.

This explains why I've been exposed to radio advertising more than I used to be. CSPAN radio is truly commercial free, unlike the various NPR stations, which pose as being commercial free.

So, the creepy part: ads for fertility clinics. It's not that I find them offensive, I just think it's weird. The idea that a member of a couple that wants a baby would hear an ad on the radio and think "Hey, that's a great idea! We'll go to Brand X Fertility because of the ad!"

Shouldn't they get a referral from an actual doctor? I figure most women who haven't become pregnant despite trying have consulted with a medical professional of some sort. It's just creepy.

Other medical ads I've heard recently include dentists that use something called "relaxation sedation," whatever that is; something called "sculpting liposuction," perormed by a plastic surgeon who's also "an accomplished artist;" and of course, Lasik eye surgery, just in case you want to have your eyes lasered.

Anyway, I guess part of the exploding cost of health care has to be chalked up to the marketing budget.