eyeroll.net

This made me laugh

She became an overnight MTV sensation in 2003 as co-star of a reality show chronicling her first year of wedlock with fellow pop vocalist Nick Lachey, but she filed for divorce in December after three stormy years of marriage. Simpson is currently featured wearing cowboy boots and hot pants in a TV pizza ad.

That's Simpson, as in Jessica Simpson. The text is from a wire service account of her failure to appear at a Republican party fundraiser, reportedly because the organization she's promoting is nonpartisan. (That's true; Operation Smile is an international group that provides reconstructive surgery to children with facial deformities. Its work is about as nonpartisan as you can get.) The GOP response? "It was never a problem for Bono."

I'm just not sure what to say to that. How many times does a starlet known for being big-titted and not very smart seem to have more sense than a bunch of Washington types. And Bono.

Don't get me wrong; my iTunes scorecard reads U2 Lots, Jessica 0, but Bono is >< this close to being just another Washington type, just with better clothes. You can't rub elbows without getting some on you, is all I'm saying.

Good move, Jessica.

Top Ten Trader Joe's Products, again

The last time I made this list was a couple of years ago. Things have changed, people.

Also, I work for Trader Joe's now, but I still shop there. As a bit of a bonus, I've told you where to find them if you can get to the store. As per usual, Trader Joe's does not mail order, and if you complain about having to drive a bit of a distance to get to one, I know some people in Florida who will laugh at you.

1. Blood Orange Juice, juices, $3.99 for 32 oz. Damn, this stuff is good. The flavor is about half way between orange and grapefruit. It looks like tomato juice, which takes some getting used to. Fantastic beverage with very dark chocolate.

2. Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla Extract, grocery, $4.99 for 4 oz. Every foodie must have this. The price beats ordinary vanilla extract, and the rich flavor can't be beat. TJ's other extracts are a real bargain, big bottles of lemon, almond and peppermint for $1.99. Go ahead and stock up; they'll keep.

3. Cheese Enchiladas, frozen, $3.99 for a tray that serves four. (Says three, but it serves four.) This is a pretty tasty approximation of legitimate cheese enchiladas. Cooking hint: defrost in the microwave for five minutes, then bake for about 20 minutes in the regular oven at 350. Let the thing sit for about 10 minutes before serving. Tasty!

4. Chocolate Chips, grocery, $1.99 for a 12 oz. bag. These are not your grandma's chocolate chips. The chocolate in the chips is Callebaut, also known as the world's finest baking chocolate. So keep the recipe for Toll House Cookies on the back of the yellow bag, but bake them with these nummy chips.

5. Single Origin Dark Chocolates, candy, $7.99. What you get is a selection of half-ounce squares of four dark chocolates, all made from cocoa from a single plantation. My favorite is the one from the Dominican Republic. At 75% cocoa, it's surprisingly smooth and light with a true chocolate taste and no fruity overtones. The selection from Ecuador is nice, too. The serving size is perfect for a treat with a cup of coffee, and the presentation makes it a nice gift at a low price point.

6. Wild Blueberry Pie, fresh bakery, $6.99. I love this pie; I'm going to marry this pie. In four hours on a Sunday afternoon, my enthusiasm for this pie helped me sell 60 of them. If you warm it up for 15-20 minutes in a slow oven, it will pass for home made. I am not kidding; it will. Served with heavy cream, it's a slice of heaven. Served without cream, it's still a nice treat that won't break the calorie bank.

7. Chicken Pot Pie, frozen, $3.99. OK, here's the thing. You could bake this at home, but the herbs in the sauce would cost more than the frozen variety. The sauce is what makes this dish, it's so well flavored, and it cooks up in about half an hour. Don't try it in the microwave, but you can use the defrost and bake technique as described in the Enchilada entry. Another easy dinner.

8. Sushi, refrigerated, prices vary. This isn't raw, and actual food reviewers give this pre-packaged sushi high marks. The best deal is the platter, at $5.99 for 24 pieces. Only the lowfat California roll disappoints at all, and I just don't care for those, even when they are fresh. This stuff is shockingly good for breakfast. The rice is appropriately sticky, the fish is fresh, and it comes with soy sauce, wasabi and ginger. My favorites are the spicy California rolls and the salmon rolls.

9. Mediterranean Yogurt, dairy, $2.79 for 16 oz. As good as the Total Greek yogurt, at half the price. It's great in dips, and great with honey and fruit. It's also good enough to eat plain, which is the highest praise for any yogurt.

10. Horseradish Hummus, refrigerated, $1.79 for 8 oz. Now, I'm not a fan of weird hummus flavors, but horseradish seems to be a natural addition. TJ's version is balanced, and it just works. I love this stuff.

Failure to Launch

So, I watched this trailer at the WaPo because it's my hometown paper, and I may as well use some of their services, right? Anyway, I was super-confused by the scene that greeted me: a couple of guys in suits who had blue lizard heads, sitting in an office cubicle talking about... something. Because this was supposed to be a movie about, um, not blue lizard guys in suits.

Turns out that it was an ad for Microsoft Office; I think I'm going to take my clueless little self back to iTunes, where I kind of know what's going on.

Anyway, Failure to Launch seems like a ripoff of The Wedding Planner, which I also didn't see. However, in this movie, Jennifer Lopez is played by Sarah Jessica Parker with shaggy blond hair and righteous boring clothes. The guy is still Matthew McCon... however you spell his last name. I can't remember. I think he was in The Wedding Planner, so he probably didn't have to learn too many new lines for this project.

The premise is pretty simple. Matthew is a lazy guy who can't seem to move out of his parents' house. It looks like the same house from Father of the Bride, which I did see under duress. It's possible that the house exists on some studio backlot, and managed not to get itself torched in Gone with the Wind.

Do studios even have backlots any more? I have no idea.

OK, so the 'rents want their freeloading son out of the house, so they hire Sarah to do it. Surprisingly, her role is not a mover, but a motivator, which seems kind of passive-aggressive to me. They could have rented Matt a U-Haul and thrown his stuff out on the lawn. Sarah's technique is to fake a romantic relationship and... something. It's supposed to work. I'm not sure how the parents found this creature. Yellow Pages? Probably not. I'll bet she has a web site, or maybe a 900 number and an infomercial. Perhaps Mom saw her on Dr. Phil.

Predictibly, Sarah actually kind of likes Matthew and says that there's nothing really wrong with him even though he's supposed to be a 30-year-old-probably-employed-guy living with his parents.

This movie is going to blow shingles off your roof, and I don't mean that in a good way. Failure to Launch is just another stupid "romantic" "comedy" with a seriously bad trailer. I guess it's possible that it's a great movie, but the trailer doesn't exactly hint at greatness.

Bottom Line: Unless you have a thing for Matthew McWhatshisname shirtless, there is no reason to fork over your $10 for Failure to Launch. If you happen to notice it on cable, you can probably watch something else, or microwave some popcorn and grab your drool rag.

On the up side, I bought a belt

All right, I ordered a belt online, and some new jeans, which I hope will fit.

Yes, there's a story behind this. You knew there was a story; there's always a story, right?

So, when I started working at TJ's, I stopped snacking. I also kind of stopped eating meals, and I started getting a lot more exercise. Consequently, I've lost both weight and bulk, at least two sizes worth of bulk. This means that none of my jeans fit. They're baggy all over. They fit around my hips, and they make me look big.

I don't know how I feel about this. Body image is a weird thing, probably for all humans, but I think it goes deeper for women. (I could be wrong; feel free to set me straight. On the other hand, my formerly very skinny brother has filled out, by which I mean "porked out," because his wife is a really good cook and they've been married almost 12 years now. He was always skinny as a kid, and I was more on the chubby side. Nobody ever would have guessed that if one of us was going to have a ticket punched for the Land Where Americans Go to Get Fat, it would be him.)

Last week, I went shopping for jeans. I tried on several pair of stylish, spendy denim pants. They fit very nicely, and they fit like they're supposed to, namely sitting about four inches below my belly button. You know, that's fine for somebody who's 20; it's not fine for me. I'm sure I'm being reactionary in saying that those jeans shouldn't exist in a size 10. There are lots of women my size who are in great shape; but if I were in great shape, I'd be a size 6. And I still wouldn't want to wear jeans that sit lower than my underpinnings.

It's not about the scars. I asked myself that question: Self, do the scars bother you that much?

They don't, not really. I can live with the fact that my body will never look like it did six years ago, before all the surgery. I'm not afraid to have people see my scars, I just don't think anybody I'm not going to bed with should see the ones below my waistline. Is that basic modesty, or the knowledge that you can't tuck a shirt into a waistband that low because neither the shirt nor the pants will lay correctly.

I wasn't totally horrified seeing myself in the fitting room mirror with my scarred, soft belly in a pair of jeans that would reveal to the whole world if I took them home. That surprised me a little bit. I don't think about the scars any more, unless I see them; I don't see them unless I look for them.

Anyway, I went to landsend.com and bought a pair of jeans. I like the waist, which I think will sit about two inches below my belly button, which is about where I want. I don't love the cut on the leg, because I still like flares, but I was willing to compromise. I'm pretty sure that I still bought them in a size that's too big for me. Adjustment takes time, and I know I can exchange them if I need to.

And the belt is super cool.

Return of the Phone Company

OK, so, a couple of years ago, AT&T Wireless, which I think was actually called that and may still exist, sort of, merged with what used to be Cellular One to become Cingular. Not to be confused with Singulair, an asthma/allergy drug that I'm pretty sure you all want to ask your doctors about, because if those teevee ads are right, it's going to make your life that much better!

Today, news broke that AT&T is purchasing BellSouth, for some amount of money that almost certainly starts with a b. (I don't know; I'm blogging on the basis of a headline because I'm too lazy to read the whole story.) This purchase will give AT&T full control of... Cingular, which it basically sold like two years ago because it didn't feel like competing in the wireless market.

Apparently a behemoth can change its mind. Who knew?

This hurts my head. I don't remember when AT&T was the phone company. All I remember is Magnum P.I. voicing "You Will" at us in the 90s. That was just plain freaky; and it was back in the Golden Age of Irony, back when anybody of job-having age was pretty sure that he or she would be found out as a complete phony and thrown out on his or her ear, so we all just sat around and listened to Pearl Jam and ate ice cream, but it was before the dawn of the Shut Up era. Seriously, now we've all stopped listening to anything.

It just goes to show you that they never should have woke up the 1918 flu virus. I'm just saying.