I hope you people appreciate that I sat through three trailers plus a blurb on TiVo to figure out what the hell is going on in this movie. I'm still not completely convinced that there's really anything.
The first trailer introduces us to tourist-class hotel super Cleveland Heep. What kind of a name is that? Why, it's a name you pull out of thin air when you're making up a story for kids. More about that later. He has a beard and a bit of a paunch, and I don't exactly recognize the actor. I think he's Paul Giamatti, but I thought Paul Giamatti was an alumnus of Law and Order: Original Recipe, and the guy in this movie is not the same guy I was thinking of.
The second trailer introduces us to The Lady. She's hiding in the pool, and then hiding in a guest's shower, and her eyes are creepy-pale blue, which look especially fetching with her creepy-pale white skin and her stringy blonde-then-brown hair. Apparently she comes from a wet sort of underworld, which may or may not be Dante's Purgatory. She, and possibly some of her fellow Maybe Purgatorians, gets out through a thing that's half pool grate, half pagan circle.
Didn't you always figure those pagans and there circles were going to cause trouble? Anyway, there are either wolves or hyenas, too. And a smug kind of law enforcement guy who obviously hasn't been to the movies in, like, years. If you're asking "the hell?" right about now, you're not the only one.
The third trailer, OK, I was interrupted by the phone, so I don't actually know what happens. There were crowds of people milling about, and... well, that's kind of all. Oh. There's splashing, lots of splashing. I think maybe the watery world under the ground is an evil waterpark.
I don't recognize the cast of this movie, although I thought Paul Giamatti was a Law and Order alum. Maybe he is and I just missed that part, but he didn't remind me of anybody who used to be on Law and Order, so I guess I'm confusing him with somebody else. I know he plays Cleveland Heep, because younger stars have cuter names.
Most of what you need to know is that M. Night IWroteThisMovie is involved, so it's not supposed to make real-life sense. He said in the TiVo blurb that this story started as a bedtime story for his youngsters, which means it's going to make about as much sense as it would if it started in a dream. He freely admits that the plot is a bloody mess, and he seemed kind of proud of that.
Me, I got lost at "the hell?" Basically, I think the philosophy with these trailers was More is Better. Why do one unhelpful thing when you can do three?
Bottom line: If you're having trouble getting to sleep, maybe you could go see this movie. You're more likely to be confused than frightened. I think that might be the point.
