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An Open Letter to American Taxpayers

Dear Rest of the Country, and Those Poor Suckers Who Represent Them in Congress:

It may have come to your attention that the House passed a biil to give the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, AKA Metro, a billion and a half of your dollars. You might be pretty steamed about that. (Well, OK, you're not. You probably don't care that much, because you aren't paying attention, but a couple of your esteemed representatives on Capitol Hill saw fit to whine about this legislation on your behalf.)

Here's the thing. If Metro doesn't work, the U.S. Government won't be able to function. I'm not asking you to like the Feds or anything like that, but if there's nobody at the headquarters for the United States Postal Service (located at L'enfant Plaza, a hub for the Blue, Orange, Yellow and Green lines), to issue payroll checks for letter carriers, do you think your mail's really going to get delivered? Now, maybe the civil servant who's responsible for that lives in a condo near the Waterfront. Maybe he walks to work, but he might just as easily live all the way out in Deepest Alexandria or Rockville and rely on public transit to get to work in a timely fashion.

Traffic in this hellhole is among the worst in the nation. If you think traffic is bad where you live, I dare you to drive 395 North during rush hour. By rush hour, I mean starting about 6 a.m. and lasting almost until noon. It's just as bad during the evening. We have a bridge here, the 14th Street Bridge, that crosses the Potomac and goes straight into downtown. It ought to be known as Our Nation's Parking Lot. If you're coming in from the south, that's your route into town; there's no other way.

(I chose the 395 corridor for a reason: it is not well served by Metro past the Pentagon, although the Blue Line isn't that far off part of it. Most of the corridor relies on buses operating out of the hubs at Pentagon, Huntington, and King Street stations.)

So if the FBI agent who needs to approve an investigation on something that happened in your town or city in a Place That's Not Washington is stuck on the bridge for two hours, he's not in his office. If your business gets knocked down by a hurricane and you need the government to cut you a check, that woman could be stuck on a bus that broke down instead of in her office. And let's hope the network at your local Social Security Administration office never goes down, because if the GSA employee who has to approve the purchase of new equipment can't get to work... ouch. Hope Grandma doesn't need anything.

Here's my point: if Washington doesn't work, this country doesn't work. If Metro falls apart, Washington does not work. So do us all a favor and let your elected representatives know that you wholeheartedly support giving Metro some federal dollars. We can't get any closer to gridlock and continue to function.

Your Pal in Our Nation's Capital,

Amanda

Dense

Sometimes, I am. Dense, I mean.

I've lived in Washington for a while now, moved back here more than once, so you would think I'd have figured out a few things about the area's roads, given my near-obsession with traffic. (Near? Who am I kidding?)

So, the Beltway, also known as 495, confuses me. It's not my fault; I blame the local vernacular, which refers to the sides of the Beltway as "Inner Loop" and "Outer Loop." Now, it doesn't matter to me, because the Beltway rarely affects my life. I'm a city girl, and even when I lived out in the 'burbs, it was an inside the Beltway burb. I had a job that required me to use the Beltway for about a year, but my time on it was so short, less than a mile, just to cross the river, that I didn't have to think about it.

I always figured that if I could remember which loop went clockwise, I could make a distinction. It turns out that my mom, who has probably been on the Beltway even less than I have, though she's lived here longer than I have, knows the difference.

The Inner Loop goes clockwise. It is called the "inner loop" because it's on the inside of the circle. And vice versa. And that's when the "duh" hit me, which is why I called myself dense. Sometimes I am dense. Sometimes I'm so stupid that I frighten myself, but then sometimes I'm so smart that I frighten myself.

It all works out.

Flip Flop Flap

Point One: This is not a slow news week. What is the Northwestern University women's lacrosse team doing in it? I don't really care what they were wearing on their feet, and neither should any of you.

Point Two: Good for them. It was really, really hot in Washington that day. Some of the flip flops were cute. Even if I don't think it's news that they wore thong sandals, at least they were comfortable. Lighten up, people. I know that protool is important, but it wasn't a state dinner.

Point Three: Did anybody consider that these woment might have been making a subtle political statement? They were probably dressing for comfort, but anything's possible.

I hope not, that's where I put all my stuff

While I wasn't looking (I was too busy grumbling about the tour buses blowing by the NO BUSES sign on my street) the Nats put together a seven-game winning streak and have been in first place in the National League East for a bit.

That, dear readers, is exceptinally cool.

Also, it seems that the bot on my old IRC channel is still around. Go figure. That bot will spout user-supplied pop-culure quotes at you all day long, if you know where to find it.

I was in charge of the Space Ghost quotes, such as "We're going to get coffee, and if anything happens--to you--we'll be getting coffee." And the Tick quotes such as " You know, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin..."

Anyway, if I weren't a slacker, I'd try to get tickets to a Nats game, but since I am a slacker, I think I'll simply think about buying the naming rights to RFK as a way to promote my blog. eyeroll.net park!

I don't think there's been any real nterest in these naming rights, given that Washington types still call the airport National, even though it's been "Ronald Reagan National Airport" for many years. Perhaps I will challenge the Nats front office to a game of Rock Paper Scissors, and if I win,  the stadium becomes eyeroll.net park.

"No incidents, just volume."

The traffic in the DC metro area is bad. I haven't seen any recent rankings, but the last survey I saw listed DC at the top in terms of traffic that sucks ass. Tied with Seattle, which is where I lived before I lived here.

I think I may be cursed.

I had some errands to run out in NoVa today, so I left the house about 1:00 and headed out. In my car. The errands were not convenient to a Metro stop, and anyway, Metro takes forever if you have to leave the friendly confines of DC proper, plus it costs more than driving, even with gas at $2.30 a gallon for regular. (Premium in the Saturn? You're kidding, right?)

I didn't have any trouble getting out to Seven Corners, which is a God-forsaken area nestled in the armpit of Northern Virginia's close-in DC suburbs, right between the skanky part of Falls Church and the skanky part of Arlington. (A lot of your neighbors won't speak much English, but you'll still pay $300,000 for a condo out there.) Seven Corners is like lice, or maybe a tick, but it has a Home Depot and a Target located in close proximity. And I can get a Vietnamese sandwich and iced coffee with bubbles, so I go out there from time to time. 

I had a hard time finding one of the things I needed, which cost me about 45 minutes. The sandwich took longer than it should have, because the Eden Center had some kind of celebration marking  some significant event in the Vietnam War, back in 1975. That's before my brain worked at remembering things like that happening. (The war is over! What war? There's a war? Can I have a cookie?)

Anyway, there was a crowd gathered under what looked like an Army green parachute, a truck blasting vaguely bombastic songs in Vietnamese, and it was all-around gapeworthy, so I ate lunch in my car.

Then I forgot to get WD-40 at Home Depot, because I used the auto-checkout, which doesn't have those handy things like lube in a spray can and batteries at the register. I had to stop at a gas station, and that cost me another couple of minutes.

When I finally hit 395 North to go back across the Potomac, where I belong, it was parked like dusk on July 4th. (I'm completely serious. DC people park on the 14th Street Bridge to watch the fireworks. Some people tailgate. It's surreal.)

So I ooched my way over to the express lanes, which go directly from the Pentagon, but that was congested too. I turned to trusty WTOP for "Traffic and Weather on the Eights Around the Clock!"

Now, it should tell you something that if you tune into WTOP at 3:48 a.m., you will hear a traffic report.  And that something? Is not good.

The Generic Issue White Guy Traffic Voice says that 395 North is backed up from Pentagon City. This much, I knew. And then he told the listening audience that the rish hour today started at 1:00, and that the current delay, which goes on for about five miles, is due to volume. "No incidents, just volune."  In other words, it's not going to get any better, suckers.

Did I mention that WTOP has the highest rated afternoon show in the radio market? Basically, it's the and tidbits about what's going to be on Oprah. Every now and again, they stop to mention The Children, or The Nats. Then an ad or two from a cosmetic dentist or a semi-medical weight-loss clinic. Then the traffic.

Again, this should tell you something.

About the cold weather

I have only one comment: I am so sick of wearing long underwear.

And when I say that, I mean inside my house. One's house is supposed to be a warm place, but mine is not right now. My house is a cold place. Last year in Des Moines, my apartment was so warm that I kept a window open, even on days when the high was about three degrees. (Not that I was ever in the apartment when the temperature was at its high, which means the low was... low.)

I realize that I am complaining about ten days of really cold weather. I realize that DC's winter has been unseasonably mild, but I kind of feel like I paid my dues last year, when I spent half the winter in Iowa and the other half in Vermont. Not exactly garden spots.

I'll note that wintering in legitimately cold places did give me a more rational sense about what cold is. When I go outside and it's 30, I don't perceive the temperature as being particularly cold. But when it's 55 in my dining room? That's not right. When I'm wearing long johns with low-rise jeans? That crosses the "not right" line and I'm squarely in "wrong" territory.

(I mean, aside from being a bad fashion choice that I didn't intend to make. I pulled a random pair of jeans out of the closet and put them on, not realizing the waistline didn't really hit at my waist. Low rise jeans fit me better than other jeans, because my waist is smaller than it should be for my hips. It's not like I'm wearing creepy teen sensation pants. Give me some small amount of credit even though I just admitted to a layering foul.)

All I'm saying is that my house wasn't really built for low temps and strong winds. And that I'm also pretty tired of wearing turtlenecks.

Welcome! Please enjoy the contrived plot and bad production values!

It's the 2004 White House Holiday Video, starring Barney the Dog. Supporting players include Willie the cat, who looks very unhappy in his appearance toward the end; Mrs. President Bush, Scott McClellan, Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove, and whoever the new Secretary of Education is.

Barney is supposed to have lost Miss Beazley, the puppy that Mrs. President received as a birthday gift. So the dog runs around the White House after being told what hard work his job is. (Sounds familiar, no?) The high point of the clip, which runs about seven minutes, is when Rove tells Barney to look in Ohio, then proceeds to throw a hissy fit about the blue ornaments on the tree. Rove is laughing, and while this could easily be seen as the cackling of a megalomaniac, I think it's probably a case of being unable to deliver his stupid lines without laughing.

Later, Barney spends entirely too long dragging a stuffed dog past the Reagan portrait and a stand of poinsettias, ending at Mrs. Bush's feet. I guess that whatever intern was editing the piece fell asleep and forgot to make a couple of cuts.

I'd say that our tax dollars were wasted on this effort, except that I think I produced better video in college on a very small budget, so I'll stick with "don't people like the president have better things to do than participate in a thing that will only see them mocked on cable news?"

Apparently not.

Note: Apparently Spot, the Springer Spaniel who was one of Millie's pups, is no longer with the Bush family. I'm very sorry for their loss. You were a good dog, Spot. Rest easy.

Washington stupidity not limited to Congress

Oh no. We have plenty of local stupidity here.

The WaPo reported that Metro board members do not ride Metro.

Particularly missing the point is Jim Graham, a DC council member who serves on the board, who said "We're a policy board. I'm not called upon to know whether or not something is working at the Gallery Place Station,"

In other words: It's not my problem if the system doesn't work, as long as I don't get blamed for it.

So, who is responsible for inadequate connection time between trains at transfer stations? The board? The CEO? The station managers have nothing to do with it. Who's responsible for the problems on the red line that have been troubling commuters all year?

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that the purpose of a public transit system is to serve the riding public. You know, move people from point A to point B. How is the board supposed to make policy decisions that won't cripple the system if its members don't know how the system works?

The rest of the board, ave one appointed member from Prince George's County, Md., cited "privacy" reasons for not disclosing the data from their SmartTrip card.

"I am just very sensitive with what happens with private information that is collected electronically. It's just kind of a fetish I have. I am just really concerned about my information being shared," another board member from DC said. I guess she's never seen a cop show where the bad guy is caught by his EZ Pass record or his farecard. As if people don't know that their transactions are, in fact, tracked.

I would assume that she simply doesn't want the public to know that she isn't paying attention to the day-to-day functionality of Metro, except that later in the article, she says that her time is too important for her to use public transit.

Then what the hell is she doing on its board?

That's not a rhetorical question. I'd really like to know.

Tucker Carlson belittles Canada

"I don't think all Canadians are dog-sledding at all times, but I do think there's a lot of dog-sledding in Canada."

Of all the stupid things I've heard people say on cable news, well, that's one of them. He was on The Wolf Blitzer Show Starring Wolf Blitzer "debating" Carolyn Parrish, a member of the Canadian Parliament who is lately infamous for her "Coalition of Idiots" remark. Both Carlson and Blitzer seemed oblivious to her mocking.

They were talking about the percieved trade imbalance between Canada and the U.S., and Carlson doesn't seem to get it. I hope he gets himself cavity searched the next time he tries to cross the border.

It's not "Nice Person of the Year"

But still, Karl Rove? Is Time kidding?

I ask ecause it's been a long time since the news weekly named Iran's infamous Ayatollah Khomeni, and I'm not sure the modern news consumer understands that being selected as Person (or Concept) of the Year is not necessarily an honor.

And I wouldn't want the hoi polloi to get the wrong idea.

Karl Rove is not a good person. I want to make sure we're all clear on that.